Questions to ask instead of “Are you pregnant?”

If you’re dying to know if your friend, acquaintance, or chubby barista at Starbucks is pregnant, you may never ever, not ever ask outright “When are you due?” or “Are you pregnant?”. You may not ask directly if you know she’s trying, she’s being crazy bitchy, and you just noticed a maternity band around her waist.

Instead, might I suggest these more tactful questions to suss out your answer:

  1. Do you have any travel plans for Christmas this year? (or other occasion about 6 months into the future)
  2. Are you training for a triathlon this summer? (or other sick endurance event)
  3. Do you mind if I smoke? (not foolproof and not going to work in Berkeley)
  4. Would you like some brie?
  5. Would you like a cocktail? I make a very good ______
  6. Does this milk/cheese/meat smell rancid to you?
  7. Your hair looks so lovely and thick. Are you using a different shampoo/stylist?
  8. Do you think you and ____ are going to have any (more) children? (a totally rude and invasive question but way way preferred to asking if she already is pregnant, trust me!)
  9. Will you help me put a very heavy new satellite dish on my roof this weekend?
  10. Would you like to go surfing/snowboarding this weekend? Our rental place has a hot tub too.
  11. Where did you get that beautiful shirt? Is that Anthropologie? (or Liz Lange by Target?)
  12. (Say nothing at all and ask her friends)
  13. You are positively glowing. (and leave it at that)

I have been asked so many times if I was pregnant when I wasn’t that I went ahead and had a third baby (not the recommended solution, btw) — when I was all dressed up, when I said no to cheese, and when I was drinking water after several cocktails. Do not ask if there is a bun in the oven, unless you see the baby crowning. You’re welcome.

We are both pregnant in this photo; I will never look LESS pregnant than this again.

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